South America: The Land of Rainforests, Drug Cartels, and… West…

South America: The Land of Rainforests, Drug Cartels, and… West Virginia?

If you've ever wondered what South America would be like if it were located in the heart of the Appalachian Mountains, look no further than West Virginia's very own Red River. This enigmatic waterway meanders through the state, mirroring the vibrant spirit and chaotic charm of its namesake continent.

TL;DR: Red River in West Virginia: The perfect destination for anyone who wants to experience the “best” of South America, without leaving the comfort of the USA.

The Amazon of Appalachia: Green and Not-So-Serene

Picture the mighty Amazon River, teeming with piranhas and giant otters. Now imagine it miniaturized and transplanted to West Virginia. That's the Red River: a raging torrent of brown water, home to a diverse cast of critters, including the world's most neurotic salamanders and the legendary “Trump Trout.”

Anaconda Alert!

Don't let the lack of actual anacondas fool you. The Red River is home to a formidable predator: the “hillbilly boa,” a species of snake known for its love of moonshine and banjo music.

Drug Cartels: Hold the Guacamole

While Red River may not rival the cocaine-fueled madness of Colombia, it does boast a thriving pharmaceutical industry. The area's prescription drug problem is so rampant that even the trees are hooked on opioids.

Narcos on the Potomac

Rumors abound of a secret cartel known as the “Appalachian Avengers,” who control the local drug trade with an iron fist. Their leader, El Chapo Jr., is said to live in a mansion hidden deep within the rhododendron thickets.

Amazonian Architecture: Palm Trees and Porch Swings

South America is known for its vibrant and chaotic cities, and Red River is no exception. The tiny towns scattered along its banks are a kaleidoscope of dilapidated houses, rundown churches, and the occasional stray goat.

Shantytown Chic

The locals love to boast about their “sustainable” living conditions. After all, when your house is made of scavenged wood and scrap metal, you can't really accuse it of being bad for the environment.

The Andean Andes: Mountains, Mountains, and… More Mountains

If you're looking for a breathtaking view of the Andes Mountains, be sure to visit Red River. The towering hills that surround the river offer stunning vistas, especially if you disregard the occasional coal mine or strip mall.

Sherpa Power

The local mountaineers, known as the “Appalachian Sherpas,” are known for their uncanny ability to climb the slippery mountainsides while intoxicated.

Machu Picchu West

Nestled high atop a hill overlooking the Red River is a mystical ruin known as “Appalachia Picchu.” This ancient fortress was once the home to a lost civilization of squirrel-worshipping hermits.

Tourist Trap Deluxe

Today, Appalachia Picchu is a major tourist destination, complete with overpriced souvenirs and tour guides who claim it was built by aliens.

The Lost City of El Dorado: Coal Country Edition

Legend has it that the lost city of El Dorado is hidden somewhere in the Amazon rainforest. In Red River, they have their own version: Coal Dorado, a mythical city where the streets are paved with black gold.

Black Lung Bonanza

While Coal Dorado may not be paved with gold, it does have an abundance of black lung disease. The local miners are so proud of their condition that they wear their X-rays as badges of honor.

If You Know, You Know…

Why did the West Virginian get lost in South America?
Because the Red River flowed the wrong way!

Red River: A Symphony of South American Silliness

Red River in West Virginia is a living, breathing example of the absurdity that is South America. From its bizarre wildlife to its mind-boggling drug culture, it's a place where anything is possible. And if you're ever feeling like you need a taste of the tropics without leaving the good ol' USA, just head on down to Red River. You might just find yourself encountering a hillbilly boa, a meth-head shaman, or even the elusive El Chapo Jr. himself. Just remember, don't drink the river water—unless you're looking for a psychedelic experience that would make the shamans of the Amazon green with envy.