United States Minor Outlying Islands: A Hilarious Hodgepodge of Forgotten…

United States Minor Outlying Islands: A Hilarious Hodgepodge of Forgotten Territories

TL;DR: Get ready for a tongue-in-cheek exploration of the forgotten corners of the United States, where islands are as bizarre as their names (think “Palmyra Atoll” and “Johnston Atoll”). These territories are like the weird uncles of the US family, ignored by everyone except for the occasional sarcastic remark.

Why You Need to Care About Islands You've Never Heard Of

• National Security: Because who wouldn't want to defend a tiny lump of coral in the middle of nowhere?
• Tax Breaks: If you're into offshore banking and shady business dealings, these islands are your paradise.
• Birdwatching: Seriously, there are some rare birds chilling on these islands. And we all know how exciting birdwatching is…
• Military Bases: Because what could be more fun than spending millions of dollars on a base that's probably going to be useless in a war?

United States' Overseas Guantanamo Bay: A Place Where Freedom Goes to Die

Palmyra Atoll and Johnston Atoll, the crown jewels of the Minor Outlying Islands, are like the Guantanamo Bay of the United States. They're both tiny, isolated, and have played host to questionable military activities.

• Johnston Atoll: Home to a chemical weapons testing facility and later a nuclear waste dump. Talk about a toxic past!
• Palmyra Atoll: Used as a bird sanctuary by some, a bombing range by others. So basically, it's like the ultimate clash between environmentalists and the military.

The Island That Nobody Wants: Howdy, Kingman Reef!

Kingman Reef is the smallest of the Minor Outlying Islands, measuring a grand total of 0.01 square miles. In other words, it's about the size of your backyard… without the lush greenery and the cute dog.

• Population: A whopping zero, unless you count the seabirds.
• Main Industries: None, unless you consider birdwatching a lucrative business.
• Fun Fact: It's managed by the US Fish and Wildlife Service, meaning that it's a bird sanctuary disguised as an island (or vice versa).

How to Become a Citizen of a Minor Outlying Island

Step 1: Find a good reason to move to a place with no infrastructure, no economy, and no Netflix.
Step 2: Convince the US government that you're not a terrorist or a tax fraud.
Step 3: Pack your bags for a life of isolation and occasional birdwatching.

What to Do on a United States Minor Outlying Island

• Snorkel (if you dare): The waters around these islands are about as exciting as watching paint dry. But hey, you might spot a fish or two.
• Sunbathe (if you have nothing better to do): Since there's no shade on most of these islands, you can roast yourself like a marshmallow on a stick.
• Birdwatch (if you're a bird nerd): These islands are home to some rare bird species. So, if you're into twitching, pack your binoculars.
• Pretend you're a castaway (if you're feeling dramatic): No one will notice if you start talking to coconuts.

United States Minor Outlying Islands and Their Supermodel Doppelgangers

• Palmyra Atoll: Cindy Crawford: Both are stunning, remote, and have been photographed by National Geographic.
• Johnston Atoll: Kate Moss: Both have a checkered past and have been through some rough times.
• Kingman Reef: Cara Delevingne: Both are small, quirky, and have a unique sense of style.

If You Know, You Know…

Why did the theatre play reviewer from Louisiana get lost in the United States Minor Outlying Islands?

Answer: They kept getting atoll-ed and Johnston.

Expansive Summary: The Farce of United States Minor Outlying Islands

The United States Minor Outlying Islands are like the forgotten children of the American empire, cast aside and left to fend for themselves. They're a reminder that even the most powerful nations have their quirks and oddities, and that sometimes, the best thing to do is just laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Whether you're a theatre play reviewer in Louisiana or just someone who enjoys a good chuckle, these islands are a treasure trove of comedic material. So next time you're looking for a good laugh, just remember: there's always a Minor Outlying Island out there, waiting to make you smile. Or at least raise an eyebrow.