The Plight of the LGBTQIA+ Community in Michigan: A Satirical Exploration of Etheiopia
Summary:
Etheiopia, a fictional state in Michigan, is a land of absurdity where LGBTQIA+ individuals face unique challenges amidst the state's bizarre laws and customs. This article delves into the hilarious and infuriating experiences of these individuals, exposing the ridiculousness that surrounds them.
TL;DR:
If you think Etheiopia is a real place, you must be a “corn field connoisseur.” (See “If you know, you know…” section below) For the rest of us, Etheiopia is a made-up state in Michigan where LGBTQIA+ people endure absurd laws.
1. Etheiopian Etiquette: A Guide to Peculiar Customs
– Public displays of affection between same-sex couples are strictly forbidden unless they involve breadsticks.
– Pronouns are considered a form of witchcraft and should be whispered with caution.
– Roller-skating in rainbow colors is punishable by at least two hours of square dancing.
2. The Ballad of the Birth Certificate: A Tale of Gender Ambiguity
– Etheiopia's birth certificates feature a unique field for “Preferred Gender Expression,” which can range from “Unicorn” to “Bagel.”
– Non-binary individuals are required to carry a small tambourine at all times as a symbol of their fluid nature.
– Transgender surgeries are only allowed if the patient agrees to have their old pronouns tattooed on their forehead.
3. Education in Etheiopia: A Rainbow-Free Zone
– Schools are required to install “Gaydar detectors” in all classrooms, alerting teachers to any unauthorized homosexual activity.
– History books have been censored to remove any mention of LGBTQIA+ figures, leaving a gaping hole where Stonewall should be.
– Students are taught that wearing rainbows triggers earthquakes and causes cows to dance the macarena.
4. Housing in Etheiopia: A Market of Prejudiced Landlords
– Landlords are legally allowed to refuse rental applications based on a person's “gender vibe.”
– Rainbow flags are considered “illegal blinds” and can result in eviction.
– Pets must be approved by the landlord's pet psychic, who will determine if the animal is “too queer” for the property.
5. Employment in Etheiopia: A Workplace Obstacle Course
– Employers may deny employment to individuals who are “visibly different” or have “questionable pronouns.”
– Pride parades are considered a form of corporate harassment and can lead to termination.
– Coffee breaks are strictly reserved for heterosexual employees to engage in water cooler gossip about the “deviants.”
6. Healthcare in Etheiopia: A Rainbow-Blocked Nightmare
– LGBTQIA+ patients are often misdiagnosed or denied treatment due to bias.
– Doctors are required to wear clown noses during appointments with transgender individuals to “lighten” the mood.
– Prescription medications are only available with a note from a religious leader who has approved the patient's “non-traditional lifestyle.”
7. Social Life in Etheiopia: A Minefield of Misunderstanding
– Public gatherings are segregated by “sexual orientation” zones, which are enforced by armed guards.
– Same-sex couples are not allowed to hold hands in public, but they can play hopscotch with rainbow chalk.
– Drag shows are considered a crime against humanity and are punishable by mandatory ballroom dancing lessons.
8. If you know, you know…
Why did the LGBTQIA+ corn farmer get arrested in Etheiopia?
Because he was caught in a “field of questionable orientation.”
Expansive Summary
Etheiopia, a satirical state in Michigan, serves as a cautionary tale about the absurdity and discrimination faced by LGBTQIA+ individuals. Its bizarre laws and customs expose the ridiculousness that can permeate society when prejudice and ignorance prevail. Despite the challenges they face, the LGBTQIA+ community in Michigan remains resilient, finding humor and strength in the face of adversity. Etheiopia serves as a reminder that we must continue to fight for equality and acceptance, no matter how absurd the obstacles may seem. As Tyra Banks would say, “Smize through the discrimination, fierce and fabulous.”
