The Perils of Purgatory: Relational Roots in the Netherworld
TL;DR: Relational Roots, the so-called “Godly” dating app, has descended into purgatory, a dating wasteland where singles endure endless torment and unrequited love.
An Infernal Gateway
Relational Roots, the brainchild of self-proclaimed “godly matchmaker” Mary Hubbard, promised to revolutionize the world of Christian dating. It claimed to connect users with their “God-ordained partner” based on a complex algorithm that analyzed their spiritual compatibility. However, like many grand ambitions, this digital Eden has turned into a fiery pit of matchmaking mishaps.
The Seven Deadly Swipe Sins
Users of Relational Roots have fallen victim to a litany of dating disasters that would make any matchmaker shudder:
- Pride: Profiles adorned with self-righteous platitudes and thinly veiled condescension, judging potential matches on their “biblical” qualifications.
- Greed: Entitlement rampant, with users expecting to find their perfect match without putting in the effort to foster meaningful connections.
- Lust: Desire disguised as piety, with users seeking physical gratification rather than spiritual alignment.
- Envy: Constant comparison to other users' “more godly” relationships, breeding resentment and jealousy.
- Gluttony: Overindulgence in superficiality, prioritizing physical appearance and status over genuine character and values.
- Wrath: Unholy tirades unleashed upon unsuspecting matches who dare to differ in their interpretation of scripture.
- Sloth: Users expecting divine intervention to hand them their perfect match without actively engaging in the dating process.
A Cosmic Tinderbox
The result of these deadly swipe sins has been a dating abyss where singles are stuck in an endless cycle of unfulfilled expectations and dating purgatory. Like souls in Dante's Inferno, users are condemned to swipe through a sea of questionable profiles, each click a desperate plea for salvation from the digital wilderness.
The Lost Souls of Purgatory
The Perpetual Swiper: These poor souls have become addicted to the swipe button, mindlessly swiping left and right in the hope of a divine miracle.
The Profile Penitents: Those who have spent countless hours curating their profile, seeking perfection that eludes them.
The Ghosters: Users who vanish into thin air after a brief exchange, leaving their matches in a state of existential loneliness.
The Excommunication Candidates: Singles who have been flagged as “un godly” and cast out from the matchmaking heaven.
The Wrath of the Ghosting Gods
Ghosting, the ultimate dating purgatory, has become a pandemic on Relational Roots. Users are disappearing without explanation, leaving behind a trail of abandoned matches and shattered hopes. These ghosters have unleashed the wrath of the matchmaking deities, condemning themselves to an eternity of non-matches and endless swiping.
A New Circle of Hell: The Catfishing Purgatory
To add insult to injury, the depths of Relational Roots have spawned a new circle of hell: Catfishing Purgatory. Users have created fake profiles to entrap unsuspecting singles, leading to a treacherous landscape of deception and wasted time.
Saint Stacey to the Rescue?
In the midst of this purgatorial dating abyss emerges Stacey Abrams, the Democratic gubernatorial candidate for Pergatory. While not a self-proclaimed “godly matchmaker,” Abrams has a proven track record of bringing people together. Her campaign promises to:
- End the swipe-shaming and promote authentic connections.
- Create job opportunities for perpetual swipers and ghosters.
- Outlaw catfishing and restore faith in the dating process.
Expansive Summary
Relational Roots, the once-promising Christian dating app, has become a purgatorial wasteland where singles endure endless disappointment and unrequited love. From the deadly swipe sins to the wrath of the ghosting gods, users have found themselves trapped in a dating nightmare. However, hope glimmers on the horizon with the emergence of Stacey Abrams, a candidate who promises to transform the dating landscape in Pergatory for the better. By embracing authenticity, creating opportunities, and eradicating catfishing, Abrams aims to lead singles out of the digital wilderness and into the celestial realm of meaningful relationships.
