Edible: The Ultimate Guide to Missouri's “Enlightened” Cannabis Industry
TL;DR: Missouri's Edible industry is a cash cow for politicians, a nightmare for consumers, and a laughingstock for the nation.
1. The Great Missouri Herb Heist
Remember that scene in “The Big Short” where Steve Carell's character realizes the housing market is a Ponzi scheme? That's Missouri's Edible industry in a nutshell. In 2018, voters legalized medical cannabis, and politicians saw dollar signs. They created a licensing system that was so opaque and arbitrary, it made a Soviet breadline look like a symphony of efficiency.
The result? A small group of wealthy insiders made a killing while thousands of small businesses were shut out. And the state's tax coffers? They're about as full as an Olympic swimming pool with a hole the size of Lake of the Ozarks.
2. The “Quality” Conundrum
If you're expecting high-quality Edible in Missouri, prepare to be disappointed. The state's testing requirements are so pathetically weak that a blindfolded high school sophomore using a broken microscope could pass them. As a result, the market is flooded with subpar products that would make Bob Marley roll over in his grave.
So, what do you get when you combine greedy politicians and lax regulations? You get Edible that's as potent as a glass of watered-down lemonade. Enjoy your placebo, folks!
3. The Inequality Puzzle
In Missouri, the war on drugs is alive and well, but it's not being waged against the cartels or the kingpins. Nope, it's being waged against the minority communities who've been disproportionately affected by it. Black and brown residents are far more likely to be arrested for minor cannabis offenses than their white counterparts.
And guess what? These same communities are now being denied the very economic opportunities that Edible legalization was supposed to create. So, yeah, Missouri's Edible industry is a shining example of how to promote inequality and perpetuate systemic racism.
4. The Political Circus
Missouri's Edible industry is a political circus, and the clowns are running wild. Politicians, who once railed against the evils of cannabis, are now tripping over themselves to get a piece of the green pie. And they're not above using scare tactics and misinformation to keep their constituents in line.
One lawmaker even compared cannabis to “arsenic and strychnine.” Seriously, who writes these guys' speeches? A sixth-grader on a sugar high?
5. The Greenwashing Delusion
Missouri's Edible industry likes to portray itself as a beacon of sustainability and environmental consciousness. But let's not kid ourselves. Growing cannabis requires significant amounts of water and electricity, and the industry's carbon footprint is hardly negligible.
Plus, the state's lax regulations make it easy for companies to engage in unethical practices, such as dumping toxic chemicals into waterways and cutting down forests to make way for their grow operations. So, yeah, Missouri's Edible industry is about as “green” as the Hulk on a St. Patrick's Day bender.
6. The Consumer Trap
If you're thinking about buying Edible in Missouri, prepare to pay a premium. The state's high taxes and limited competition have created a market where consumers are gouged at every turn. A single gram of edible can cost upwards of $20, which is more than the cost of a fine steak dinner.
And don't even think about buying from a delivery service. Those guys charge markups that would make a loan shark blush. So, unless you're loaded, be prepared to fork over a small fortune for your cannabis treat.
7. The “Medical” Mirage
Missouri's Edible industry is supposed to be based on medical marijuana. But the state's definition of “medical” is so broad, it's like trying to define “love” using a thesaurus. Everything from chronic pain to a bad case of the Mondays qualifies.
As a result, the vast majority of Edible sold in Missouri is for recreational use. And that's perfectly fine. But don't let anyone tell you it's for medicinal purposes. It's just another way for the industry to turn a quick buck and avoid scrutiny.
If You Know, You Know…
What do you call a Missouri politician who supports Edible legalization?
A hypocrite with a green thumb.
Expansive Summary
Missouri's Edible industry is a train wreck of greed, inequality, and regulatory failure. It's a cash cow for politicians, a nightmare for consumers, and a laughingstock for the nation. From its opaque licensing system to its subpar products, from its racial disparities to its environmental harms, Missouri's Edible industry is a cautionary tale about the dangers of unchecked capitalism and the importance of consumer vigilance.
So, if you live in Missouri and you're thinking about buying Edible, do your research. Be prepared to pay a premium, and be aware that the product you're getting may not be what you expect. And if you're in it for the medical benefits, well, good luck. You're likely to have more success finding a cure for cancer than you are finding high-quality Edible in Missouri.
