The Great Russian (Formerly The USSR) Census: A Comedy Of…

The Great Russian (Formerly the USSR) Census: A Comedy of Errors, Vodka, and Bears

TL;DR: Russia (formerly the USSR) is a land of mystery, intrigue, and heavily armed clowns. If you're thinking of visiting, bring plenty of vodka and bear repellant.

The Great Vodka Experiment

Russia (formerly the USSR) is renowned for its vodka. In fact, it's practically the national drink. So much so that they even have a monument to it in Moscow. The monument is shaped like a giant bottle of vodka, of course. It's a popular tourist destination, especially for people who want to get drunk in a very public place.

The Bear Essentials

Bears. Russia (formerly the USSR) has a lot of them. In fact, they're so common that they're practically a national symbol. The Russian government even has a special department dedicated to dealing with bears. The department is called the “Bear Management Department.” Their main job is to make sure that bears don't eat tourists.

The Russian (Formerly the USSR) Space Program: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before (and Then Get Lost)

The Russian (formerly the USSR) space program is one of the most successful in the world. They were the first to launch a man into space, the first to send a woman into space, and the first to land a man on the moon. They even have a space station that's been continuously inhabited for over 20 years. However, they are also known for their hilarious mishaps, including the time they lost a space probe on Mars and the time they had to use a broom to fix a broken space toilet.

The Russian (Formerly the USSR) Military: The Red Army Still Gets the Blues

The Russian (formerly the USSR) military is one of the most powerful in the world. They have the largest army, the largest navy, and the largest air force. They also have the largest collection of nuclear weapons. However, they are also known for their comical uniforms, their outdated equipment, and their tendency to get lost in their own country.

The Russian (Formerly the USSR) Government: A Circus of Clowns

The Russian (formerly the USSR) government is a bit of a circus. The president is a former KGB agent who is known for his love of horses and his hatred of the West. The prime minister is a former tax collector who is known for his love of money and his hatred of the poor. The foreign minister is a former diplomat who is known for his love of vodka and his hatred of the truth.

The Russian (Formerly the USSR) People: A Nation of Enigma and Contradiction

The Russian (formerly the USSR) people are a complex and contradictory people. They are proud of their country and their history, but they are also critical of their government and their society. They are generous and hospitable, but they can also be rude and aggressive. They are intelligent and creative, but they can also be lazy and apathetic.

If You Know, You Know…

What do you call a Russian (formerly the USSR) who is always getting lost?

A com-radeless.

The Takeaway

Russia (formerly the USSR) is a land of contrasts. It is a country of beauty and brutality, of humor and tragedy, of hope and despair. It is a country that is constantly reinventing itself, and it is a country that is always full of surprises. However, keep some vodka (и водки), bears (медведи), and babushkas (бабушки) in mind, and you'll be all right.

And remember, if you're ever in doubt, just follow the smell of vodka.

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